January Light

"it was like being seen after perpetual darkness, after a lifetime of silence"

Everything has changed.

Now it is me, this path, and my family. No longer do I live for you.

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“I’ve gone through the tests you did last week… your DES score is 32. anything above 30 and we have to be cautious of another part of you… that is… feeling a lot… like uncontrollable… like a voice talking… that may come up and disrupt our sessions. ”

 

depression is

lying naked on the floor for hours after a shower, unable to reach the wardrobe. or pants because the shirt was already too much effort. it is removing those dirty half a year old bedsheets after being nagged for two months, then sleeping pantsless on a bare mattress cause i just can’t bring myself to put back fresh sheets.

depression is being afraid of going out because i’ll have to walk to the train station and wait for the train and i may forget my stop and it’s expensive and it takes a long time to get home. depression is saying okay to colleagues then realising that i did not hear a word they said. forgetting that i have lunch in the fridge and buying another sandwich. it is having awful bouts of sleep drunkedness after falling asleep at work and being woken up by the late nurse an hour after closing.

it is waking up not knowing what day it is and going back to bed four times before getting yelled at. waiting for the weeks to fly by not intending to do anything other than fulfil employment contracts that have been signed. having fingers that tremble whenever i am alone and being told by the psychologist that i have psychomotor retardation. arguing with parents over going to a public or private psychiatrist because of concerns about future employment opportunities which, are already nonexistent anyway. clearing out the chocolates and cookies after dinner is the only doable task. requesting for amitriptyline instead of mirtazapine to avoid more weight gain. and buying stale $0.60 bread from the convenience store because $1.60 from the bakery will cost an extra dollar.

having haunted dreams of death and sin and not being allowed to hide in your brothers room for fear of passing the bad luck. agitation. stirs nightmares of being blackmailed by ex-friends that haven’t been seen in years, having my valuables stolen, homelessness and unable to fight for myself.

depression is effortlessly hiding an illness that is passed off as an emotion. and not wanting to talk about why because further criticism will trigger another suicide mission. it is being berated by those i trusted and knowing acquaintances are spreading vicious gossip. it is getting angry at the words “dreams”, “goals”, “hardwork” and turning thighs into cutting mats.

depression can happen when you are being forced to leave the love of your life, causing you to doubt every second of something good.

routinely sitting naked in front of the computer watching netflix until 2

unconcerned about what’s to happen next

 

 

one foot in and one foot out

i want out

walking from one pothole to another with death as the only answer. if the terms and conditions of life were as dispensable as life itself, i’d donate mine to You. it’s been a long time fighting for dreams. now there is no reward, only high risks and loan sharks at the door. my life is not worth fighting for.

19 years unconsciously;
treating yourself they way you have received

je souhaite

Je souhaite à mon grand-père revienne de la Chine, de Myanmmar, de Malaisie, et du Cambodge. Dites qu’il est fier de moi. Partagez une fraction de sa richesse et parrainez mes frais d’etudes.

There is a fine line between us now.

It will always be painful,

but not for you.