Tonight I see.
All I’ve been doing is try to please you. Lying on the floor waiting in the dark. From the very beginning complying, giving in, saying yes. Always okay – I will follow you, I will wait for you, I will talk to you. Now it is going to be past midnight again. You have taken this year. I don’t know what more I can give. Yet I’m made to feel guilty for not giving enough, for not being there enough, for not being pleasing enough. The truth is I am not good enough for anyone or anything. But to have someone you love and care(d) for disregard and push you away, or worse, place a guilt price on you, is pure anguish. An emotion stronger than adrenaline. I may just keep going until tomorrow. Fall deeper into sorrow. Maybe because this meant more to me, considering my narrow and shallow scope of interactions. Guess it’s time I be realistic and understand that your past and current friends are the active ingredients in your smoke, me – a bud. Yes I am too quiet, too soft, too tired, too weak; far below your expectations. So if you want me to go this 6 months and more, okay, I will go. And let go of all the things I wanted to do for you.