A photo story.

by andrealyy

I created this space in May 2014. This was a space to express innate frustrations, fears and deep sorrows. Often friends (or not) attempt to slip in the question with tact. Why is this space so sad? My answer is always the same. I write when I am sad; an emotion strong enough that demands to be felt. No doubt this blog has been plagued with recurring themes of regret, loss and self-loathing. This is because the greatest sorrows I have experienced are of my own doing. Nobody is orchestrating, only a half asleep and careless me. Forgive me, but such negativity is not for readers, only a space for expression.

These photos encapsulate the past two years of my life, and time is not enough to patch up memories of one who is so acutely aware of time and space. This is a recollection with no attempt to engage an audience so scroll on if you wish, I am only engaging with memory. Nothing  in this post is meant to be literary or right or wrong. I am reflecting and nothing here is meant to be coherent. Just like how these past two years have been completely incoherent.

Two thousand and fourteen.  

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Aubin Grove. If I did not look up at the ombre sky in this exact moment of my walk through the estate, would I have seen the moon, wrapped snugly among the twisted coniferous branches as if it is winking at me. (“gurl keep balancing on that orange sidewalk yeah life’s gonna throw you some real shit in this coming phase of your life and I’ll just be here watching every night in every continent that you travel to and fro and with your various companions — whoops nothing”)

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Hey it’s a white flower. Never knew what use this picture would be but more than two years later, hello again. A symbol of purity fading in the sunset. How could everything have been lost so quickly.

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Daddy. When he asks to walk in the woods, see the stars or climb a hill, do it. Take the offer, run towards it and seize it and appreciate every single moment and detail you will spend with him. From the mooing of cows and dead leaves and sleek sunlight creeping over the woods and glossy morning dew. You will never experience such quiet innocence again. What is he thinking? 48 years of toil and mistakes and loss and courage and strength. The land was beautiful but I only remember daddy, standing in the forest, sometimes disguised among the trees. Still. A rootedness and steadfastness that has kept me calm all my life. And I beg the heavens right now to allow me to see him every night safely home for as long as he is granted to live.

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Baby. You’re no longer a baby. Even though you look exactly the same two years on, and I secretly hope you still do two years later. I hate change, I hated growing up, and it breaks my heart that you will have to grow up. You see the water and sky that is so blue? Colours are so vivid just like this instantaneous lets-take-a-selfie. Will there ever be a time when we can play with naked dolls and fool in a hardware store? I don’t know. But I promise that I will spend time with you, I promise not to overlook again.

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Yellow flower. You sure were happy to leave; yellow is a symbol of joy, friendship, success. (your success I must say) We may not have been the best of friends, but that is not the reason I continue to doubt that the greatest gift of life is friendship, because I have not received it. Never hold on tightly to anyone, no one needs you.

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You. I remember taking a shit in a wooden hut. I remember thinking of what it would be like to forget you and meet a Japanese man and row on boats through more great lakes like these. While stomping through the gravel to that wooden hut. It was an astonishing kind of relief to stand at the edge of the freezing water and feel like at once, I had let go. Thank you for knocking on the door the next day.

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And what I absolutely hate, is knowing that behind that smile and smoke and volcanic steam, you were probably on my mind in this photo.

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Opinions on this ice cream should not be remembered. Andrea.

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What do I make of this. Coffee during lunchtime, trying to find significance, trying to be significant. The number of rings you buy will not resolve anything, and the lines you draw, erase, draw, erase, will only be kept, closed, hidden amongst your books.

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Christmas songs are ridiculously romantic on the rainy afternoon of 23 of December. Just because the songs said “all I want for christmas is you” does not mean you should partake in such fancies. Not that it was intentional. I wouldn’t use the phrase “victim of circumstance” but veganburg is no longer there.

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There should only have been two people brought here, Serene and Lydia.

Some will not be interested in live satellite screens, some will face rude surprises.

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There is something so darn foolish about 1st January euphoria. At least I was not the one to wish for 45 points. Do not be clouded by flattery, stop thinking about yourself. Until today, stop thinking about yourself.

Two thousand and fifteen. 

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You may wish for the best drea, but not everyone is kind. You may walk in thinking you’ve finally found a place to belong, but you will walk out with less than you had, less than you were. Lone island in, empty island out.

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It was a waste not to seize the opportunity and wish you would make no mistakes.

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He showed me a photo of himself riding his bike up the summit. He said he does it everyday. Even if he only has slippery sandals, he is more satisfied than you are with your life.

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White roses. A motif but I was too mad and confused and lost I plucked all of them out and lost count over to love or not. Love is too bombastic and false a word to use here, pine.

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“An eternity of pine and vehement longing”. Even if you climb up and down deserted boardwalks and cliffs and huts overhanging the sea, or even if you read through and between the lines of Milan Kundera, you will not find your answer. Because you already have the answer. Don’t waste your time drea, live and love what you have in the moment, don’t pine again, you won’t have what you want in your life. You know that already, don’t pine anymore. Love your family and stick to them, they are all you got left.

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Just because you care for someone and take the effort to make the best cake you can, do not expect anything in return. That is what care is for. Do not think any larger of yourself drea.

 

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<If I could go back and talk to myself> Do not enjoy this view with flattery. They will pull you in all directions but keep your ground, keep your foresight, do not lose your head, do not lose your heart in the days of youth.

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Just because a temple or palace looks beautiful half broken, does not mean you are any good half broken. Brokenness is not something to be romanticised, it hurts gravely when it comes.

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And rainbows do not hide scars. Everything is only in your head and should not be projected on anyone else, drea.

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If I could go back to this flight I would have cried more, because nothing will ever be the same upon touch down.

 

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Naive and foolish and selfish. Always letting the Christmas lights fool you, never again please. You’re not the only person you hurt.

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“Hold her like you love her”   “She is my daughter”

The wind rough and vigorous and wild. Eucalyptus swinging in its entirety. A blue atmosphere and orange horizon over the Jamison valley. Running after daddy in the freezing insane winds thinking, there will come a day when he is not around to chase sunsets with.

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It is easy to be complacent, but do not forget the times when your life was living hell. Always stay true to your roots drea, do not run away in anger or pride or joy, because only He can provide for you.

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I’m glad you didn’t run away and close doors again drea. Baby steps to being a pleasant person. It is good for others you will see. But do not be complacent again, keep working on yourself and allow yourself to be able to.

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Do not lose sight of the people who were truly there for you, and let go of the people who weren’t. Accept your limits do not set ideal expectations. The night will encroach and overwhelm and elephant feet stomping in your bed. There is light to break free from, and treasure your friends who helped you through. Show, show, show them that you do appreciate.

Two thousand and sixteen.

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Hold on tightly, not with one hand only. You may want a lot of things but you can’t okay accept your limits and the limits you are born into. Focus on the bigger picture keep your head up stop looking on the ground because you will miss out, stop missing out.

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Not sure if I should still believe myself. Or in myself, that changes things. Always letting self doubt and insecurities overwhelm you, until you become toxic. Please do not be like this again, you’ve lost too many opportunities.

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White flowers on a birthday. A second chance or a reincarnation of purity? Actually white flowers should just leave me alone. Do not be swayed and keep your head and heart and feet grounded drea. Reflect, think and put your thoughts coherently, do not act impulsively.

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Treasure your friends, treasure them treasure them. Everyone has differences but that’s the beauty of friendship, being able to overcome it. Be a good friend drea be true, do not regret or make mistakes.

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Roseate salmon corals, tainted with grey. Colour symbolism will trial (or haunt) you wherever you go. Appreciate it fully in all its glory.

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Do not let work take over your family and relatives ever again. You are only 18 for heavens sake, you’ve wasted so much. Don’t let them take pictures of you in longing.

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Do you ever wonder what life would be like if you the situation before your birth was different and you were born in a different place and time.

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On this night you will make a big decision, but remember, to make a decision. Do not be complacent or complicit. You are committed to whom you have engaged in. Be true to your commitment and do not shortchange. Do not be afraid to give of yourself, not everyone is the same. Do not give up the opportunity you have again, not everyone is the same.

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I guess life starts and ends with white flowers. And somehow they are always ripped apart by human hands.

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Keep your friends closer than your fries. Physical food is one thing, companionship far outweighs them all. A lack in either can kill you, but be wise drea, do not bring hurt upon yourself.

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