Opening up: Last years yearning 

by ale

With reference to last years post: A New Beginning 

“2015 will be the first year I enter blindfolded, not knowing what to expect.” 5/1/15

Here are the things I didn’t expect. I didn’t expect you to immediately abandon ship, I was so sure it would work out. I didn’t expect such brutal disappointments and the pain of knowing that you lost your dreams by just a fraction of a chance. I didn’t expect to be brave enough to step out of my comfort zone, albeit being madly tossed about by various influences. I admit I’ve lost my grounding more than a few times too many. But I guess this is part of entering a new environment and finding a place in a community. 

And this is what I really did not expect; to find what I have always been yearning for, a community to belong in. 

“All I can dream of is a place where I will be accepted, because I so badly want to belong to a community where I will be loved.” 

A year has whizzed since I shared these thoughts. And I am overwhelmed. Stunned. By the magnitude of warmth and love I have been showered with in this new community. I may not completely fit in in school and I do feel unease and distress on most weeks but the precious friends I have found this year, no one has given me this such a kind of purpose in my life. 

I learned so much about myself through people. I thank god for those who have been my reflecting glass. Allowing me to see myself for who I am, rather than letting me shed behind my mask, peer through a wire-mash of confusion. Learning is bittersweet. Moving forward is nerve-wrecking. I can no longer hide in my bubble. I will be 18 in 31 days. In these 31 days the tides could change drastically. I could get wrecked, I may loose myself, I can loose friends, friends might loose me. And I tremble as I type this because I am not 18. I am 80 and tired and heavy with heartache. I am 8 and naive and scared of the world. Each year passes and this chronic fear I have of myself and the world is relentless. Cause when the carriers of your faith constantly embitter you and all that you were taught to believe in as you grew up starts to fall apart, you wouldn’t know what to believe in anymore. And very soon you realise no one else does. 

“I do not know where I am heading, but one things for sure – this year will be a year of renewal, and I am waiting for the light at the end of this tunnel.”

 There is no light. There is nothing to be found. Emptiness cannot be filled and staring intently into the darkness does not bring light. I wasted too much time pining after dreams that were long crushed, not realising I was being moulded each day by present happenings. 

I am here, and we are simply matter. 2016: stop searching, start living.