A new Beginning
Personally, 2014 has been a year of change. It flew by like a whirlwind of madness. Disappointments, pressure and unexpected surprises. I came into the year unprepared for anything. I was to have a change in lifestyle, a new environment, new priorities and thrust with a whole new level of independence. A lot has changed this past year. So much so that I wouldn’t say change is constant. Change accelerated for me last year, and my life is poles apart from what it was when I embarked on my 2014 journey. I am still the same person, only with new and heavier burdens on my heart.
People have been a prominent part of my life. Who am I kidding? 2014 has been a year of people – leaving, coming and going, returning and reintroducing. Relatives, new friends and old. A silent echo behind each day, making this whole existence seem significantly more worthwhile. C said that people are what she lives for. Maybe now that the pain has past and I am left as an empty shell with a disheveled and absent spirit, I shall take on this course and serve as a vessel of vitality, turning this inward loathing into outward benevolence.
Being the last year of my secondary education, it has also been a year of closure. Eventful. Where I forged new friendships, burned old, and pushed the boundaries; testing the limits of school authority but for the first time sensing that I somewhat belonged. It hasn’t been a sweet twelve months. Steeped with self-actualisation, I made dramatic decisions, resulting in bitter impacts which I am still ignorant of.
Despite the hurt and anger that has pervaded these past months, I believe what has happened was meant to be, and I take heart that what is yet to come, will be meant to be. I may have been an ass for leaving The Youth and walking away from my “friends”, but I believe that what I did was only for my better, and I am at peace with myself for choosing to prioritise my needs before others. My actions and behaviour have only highlighted my ever-increasing insecurity and revealed my ungrateful stubborn cynicism, and I acknowledge that.
It has been a challenging and changing year (I can’t emphasize that more) and I believe that I played it to my best ability. As I turn a year older this month, I am not ready to face my fears or resolve personal issues that have been swept under the carpet and left to collect dust, until the contents and emotions of the problem have been blurred and interwoven between microscopic fiber-like threads. As I enter 2015, I will have to untwin, break down and re-evaluate my stand with God, the church and myself. It is time to resolve the mess of 2014, and stop pretending that things are alright.
2015 will be the first year I enter blindfolded. Not knowing what lies ahead of me; joy or anguish, open doors or dead ends, triumph or yet another failure. All I can dream of is a place where I will be accepted, because I so badly want to belong to a community where I will be loved. I do not know where I am heading, but one things for sure – this year will be a year of renewal, and I am waiting for the light at the end of this tunnel.